Modern Slang For My Mom Gang

DON’T STAN MY APPEARANCE

Don’t stalk my body image. Boundaries are cool. Things that are off boundaries? Body shaming and judging appearances. Don’t judge a fellow mom friend for what she wears or how much she weighs. This says a whole lot more about your insecurities than it does about her. Being a judgmental Judy just makes you look salty.

DON’T SPILL YOUR RELATIONSHIP TEA

Unless you want a big mess! We all have problems. Small piece of advice, keep your ship private. I have mad respect for my friends that do not call me up to cry about their husbands. I applaud the people who don’t post vague quotes intended only for a targeted audience. Friends are not therapists nor are they experts on fixing your marriage or your problems. Another fun fact, 100% of relationships have never been repaired by complaining. But 100% of friendships are negatively affected by incessant whining.

DO KEEP IT 100

Please do not pretend that you have it all together. But more importantly, do not act like your life is so Gucci that any minor inconvenience has you so shook. I read a post the other day “it’s been a 3 MINI cupcake kind of day!”, and my eyes almost rolled out of my head, fell on the floor, and rolled again. If three MINI cupcakes means you are living on the edge of sanity, then please understand if I unfollow you while I eat 3 taco supremes and 2 meximelts.

DON’T BE SO THIRSTY

I recently had a birthday party for my son. I’ll be honest, he’s not that popular being that he’s three, so the guest list was more adult friends. Wouldn’t you know, because of online leakage, Sharon started asking Karen why she wasn’t invited to the party? News flash, we probably aren’t as close as you think. Maybe we could be, but ask yourself, have we ever hung out Han solo? No? Then stop acting so entitled. You probably haven’t made the effort to get to know me either. EVERYONE DOES NOT GET AN INVITE. Embrace the JOMO (joy of missing out).

DON’T ASK FOR MY BABYSITTER’S INFO TO SLIDE INTO YOUR DM’s

I’ve spent a lot of time vetting my sitters. Over the last six years, I’ve searched for sitters through apps specifically made for finding reliable care. I’ve conducted interview upon interview and narrowed my list down to a select few. Why should I have to do the stress work for you? Finding a trustworthy sitter is a personal journey and I’m personally offended when a friend asks for my sitter’s info. Especially when we will most likely need a sitter for the same outings. I can’t even.

DO STAY WOKE

Your child is not an angel. Neither are mine. I acknowledge this, and I need you to do the same. Sometimes they’re jerks. Aren’t we all really? It frustrates me to no end when other moms won’t confess to their children’s debauchery. If you catch my kids misbehaving, they will have consequences. If I make you aware that your angel has acted up, and you brush it off, then your offspring is now considered a “liability”. I do keep receipts on bad behavior. Stay woke or stay away.

DO KNOW HOW TO GET LIT

ok ok, you don’t need to drink an entire bottle of champs so calm yourself. Getting lit can sometimes be a cup of coffee and an authentic convo amongst girlfriends. Sometimes it’s a Yeti of wine on the porch while the kids play. For me, it’s not attending a socialite wannabe event and it’s not a book signing so for the love of all things holy, don’t invite me to that crap.